Aeon Joli

Where did it go?

2009-09-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since my last blog...where did the time go? when did I become a college alum getting an invitation for her second homecoming out of college? When the heck did I turn 23?? (which I forgot abut the other day...Del said something about me being 23, to which defensively corrected him "22!!"...to which he said, "sweetie...you just turned 23"...yikes)

I've grown. I've changed. I've matured. I've lost it. I've messed up. I've succeeded. I've had those weeks where I'll put in 70 hours and have the bring it on attitude. I've had weeks where I work 50 hours and still sleep every possible minute. I've broken down. I've had great times. I've made amazing friends. All in all, this year has been good. I'm still moving at a lighting speed through life...or so it seems...

My life is crazy busy...they forgot to tell us in school that it would be this way. Sheesh being an adult is rough ...but i love it and I wouldn't change a thing..well maybe a couple things....

more to come...??

Questionable Content.

2008-06-04T21:49:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I even have this. I think there is a part of me that feels strangely safe here....Most of this gets uploaded to my facebook...But the rest of the world besides one person don't even know that this exists. I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel open to share me...The deep me...The part of me that most people might not know...Might not hear of...Might not even take the time to understand.

I should be writing a paper. For my sociology class. Reading articles on racism and critiquing the articles themselves. How is this helping me learn? Reading someone else's bullshit answers and responses on why people act the way that they do. These answers are worthless..No one is actually doing anything about the problem, thus the problem persists and people complain about it. The world is messed up sometimes I think.

I'm moving Friday. I'm so so so ready to be out of Cedarville...I think I was ready my Freshman year to be out of Cedarville. (sorry if anyone who reads this actually cares about Cedarville). My favorite question. "So, if you're staying in Ohio, you must really like it huh?" The answer? No. Columbus..yes. I can't wait for Columbus. But Cedarville, however, I don't like. I'm so ready to be out of this gross apartment and ready to go to my beautiful one. I'm so ready to be out of this tiny town where strange things happen constantly. I'm so ready to be around my friends and to start my job. So excited.

I was using my StumbleUpon button tonight. it really is such a time waster for me...But I love the thrill of "what site will it bring up?" I love it. It brought me to a picture of Ireland. I started at it. it made me miss it so much that it hurt. I really want nothing more than to be there. I would give anything...seriously...anything to be over there. I love it so much. I felt such a connection there and really wish I could be there on a permanent basis. They just take their time there. They don't sit around, arguing about politics all day long. They live. They do what matters to them. They love. They love things and they do what they love. I miss it so very much. I will go back someday. I don't know when, but I will go back. Shouldn't we be where we love? It sounds oh so amazing.

I could make excuses about how random the post is....I can't blame it on alcohol...Not enough to drink ...Can't blame it on the time, cause I'm not even tired. Blame it on emotion. All the random little ones brought together.

Anyways. I didn't promise anything spectacular. Sorry if I let you down.

out.

Scared??? Most Definitely.

2008-04-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

Fact. We all have to grow up.
Fact. We all have to leave our parents behind and move on in our lives.
Fact. College isn't the end of the road, it's just the beginning.
Fact. We get so wrapped up in what we are doing at school that we forget that there is indeed life after school.
Fact. I have never felt so unprepared.
Fact. I have never been so excited.

School is almost over. I am almost walking across the stage in a cap and gown and getting a diploma. I almost have a degree. I have had my senior recital. I have written huge papers. I have had finals and projects. I have earned a degree. I am almost done. I am almost done with school. I am just about to be shoved out into the real world. And I am scared out of my mind.

I feel like this should be one of those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. "Hi. My name is Rachelle and I am a college graduate" (a chorus of mundane "Hi Rachelles" echo). "I am almost done with school and now have to make a living. I have to be a responsible adult". Wow. Where has the time gone. It feels like I was just having my highschool graduation party with tons of friends and family gathered around while I opened presents and cards. It feels like I was just taking my "senior trip" to NYC to see Phantom with Heather over the summer. It feels like I was just at music camp getting ready for college. It feels like I was just in Target picking out all my matching sheets and bedspread to coordinate with my matching trash can, plates, cups, pillow, blanket, and yes, even the matching dry erase board with matching magnets. It feels like Kathleen and I were just getting our dorm room ready and realizing that we had way too much stuff. And here I am. Living in an apartment, working, taking a class, and getting ready for graduation. I don't think a word has ever been so exciting yet so ominous at the same time. Graduation. The efforts of four, maybe even five years of hard work and dedication. Yet. The point in a 21/22 year old's life where they finally realize, "this is it". I don't have anyone making sure I'm in my dorm room by 12 PM. I don't have someone making sure I'm not watching R rated movies. I don't have someone making sure I'm not drinking or smoking. I don't have someone to be responsible for me. That is now all on me.

It's scary. It's so scary to think I am on my own. Up to this point, I have been so blessed with the fact that someone else is paying for all this. But now, I have to pay rent. I have to buy groceries. I have to pay car insurance. I have to figure all that stuff out. It's scary!

I have to make a decision and it scares the heck out of me. I have an opportunity to have a ridiculously amazing job. Seriously. It can't get much better. 2-9 PM. Teaching students how to play piano. Being a guide to them. Helping them master something so amazing and beautiful. It's a dream job. Working at a conservatory doing something so freaking amazing. I can't even believe it. But it means moving to a brand new city. Saying goodbye to all my friends. Finding a new apartment. Understanding the fact that I am committing to this job for over a year. I can't back out. It's not just a summer job where, it's okay if I hate it because I'm only there for the summer. Nope. 14 months. Definite. Set in stone. No changing my mind. 14 months. Away from friends and family. No fall breaks or Christmas breaks. No spring breaks or going home for the weekend just because I can. 14 months. It sounds amazing but so scary. Moving somewhere where I am not familiar. Moving somewhere that is just as far away from home. I am out of my comfort zone. I can't just call my friends up to come over because I'm lonely. I can't go to the church that I fell in love with here at school. I can't walk to campus just to be around the students. This is it.

There are so many cons to this situation, but I also have to think of the amazing pros. This is a dream job. This is my degree. I can use my talents and gifts. This can help me pursue my even bigger dream of music therapy. It's scary, but it's amazing. It's unpredictable. It's not an office job where I am sitting at a desk in front of the computer, answering the phones and doing other office related things. It's amazing. It's exciting. It's scary. I think that every emotion is provoked by this right now.

All I can do is pray. I have a decision to make. A scary, life-altering decision. An amazing opportunity.

I have never been so ready and so unprepared, so excited and scared, so happy and so sad, so amazed, yet so frustrated. This is life, and I am ready to get out there in the real world. I am ready and excited for what God has in store.

This is the best answer that I have for when someone asks, "So what are you doing after graduation?"

Whatever God wants me to do.

Peace.

Change My World

2008-02-09T23:20:00.000-08:00

Eyes wide shut,
heart in her hands
Standing arms spread wide
Dreams just dashing
Going so fast,
dancing around in her head

Take a deep breath,
Just breathe it in
Listen to everything now
Take a quick glance
Before it goes
Just listen now

How it can change my world
How I can hope to dream
How I can live my life
How I can make it seem
I'm just waiting right here
Waiting right now
Hoping so much
Thinking some how
How it can change my world

Thinking of dreams
It's not very hard
Thinking of something
Deep in your heart
Wishing so much
That it comes true

Don't let it pass
Hurry now, go
Don't let life pass you by
Make a big plan
Open your heart
Open your arms wide to...

How it can change my world
How I can hope to dream
How I can live my life
How I can make it seem
I'm just waiting right here
Waiting right now
Hoping so much
Thinking some how
How it can change my world

New Stuff

2007-11-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

"Tranquility" 07

Sitting in the dark
All alone
Listen softly
Quiet now
Don't say a word
Peaceful now
Carefully
Each sound
Close your eyes
Focus your mind
Look deeply
Bare your soul
Calm your heart
Steady breath
Each sound I hear
Seems more real
Each movement more alive
The methods of
the ticking clock
The voices of
the happy ones
The whirring of
the air I breathe
So soft
but so intense
Yet so peaceful.

"Waiting" 06/07

Indiscretion
Wondering why
How did things get so bad?
How this world
Fell so deep
In a pit so far
How'd it happen
Where's the time
Passing by
Going quickly, too fast for most
Yet slow for imperfections
Must we sit
So idly by
And watch all of this turmoil?
Take a stand
Let it be known
It's time for revolution.
Generations come and go
Foundations break away
We can change
Show them how
Make a better way.

Saddened.

2007-11-11T00:15:00.000-08:00

It amazes me. I know what is coming, and yet it makes me sad. I watch Friends. I own so many seasons. I watch them, knowing that there is an end. There is that final episode. Yet, when I watch it, I'm saddened. Gilmore girls. I know there is an end in sight, but I don't want it to come. I know it's all fictional and that the characters aren't real, but it makes me sad to know that the stories end. I want to know what will happen next. How are Monica and Chandler's kids? Do Ross and Rachel get married? Will Luke and Lorelai end up together? These are all questions that we will never know because someone decided to end the lifespan of a great 10 years of Friends. Someone decided to break the hearts of the huge fans of Gilmore girls. *sigh* I'm really not addicted. It just makes me sad. I know it's coming, and yet, I still fall for the sadness every time. I'm hopeless......

True confessions......Unashamedly

2007-10-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

-I walk on the grass even though we aren't supposed to.
-I love diet pepsi. It's true.....I went from no soda to suddenly Diet Pepsi addict.
-Gilmore girls is growing on me.....It's true.
-I'm wearing more hoodies than ever before....my life has no time for fashion.
-I love shopping online. i must be stopped if I'm on my own next semester.
-I miss my Mommy and Daddy. I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. His little princess. His "Chell-Belle". I cherish it.
-I love the rain..I don't mind getting wet.
-I listen to other people's conversations. Not to be nosy, but I love people watching and sometimes that includes listening.
-I'm computer illiterate. I didn't know what the "insert" button meant on the keyboard....It was an intense lesson.
-My mood changes with my music. If my random mix switches from happy to sad, I feel down. I follow the music wherever it goes.
-I want to be done with school. Be done with a dorm room. Live on my own. Not feeling like I'm at camp anymore. But I'm not ready to grow up.
-I detest being scared. I think it's mean to scare people. I also hate scary movies. Hate them. I'm such a jumpy person and am very easy to scare, so I don't like it.
-I love jewelry. Can't have enough of it. (but most people knew that already)
-I just cut my own bangs and love them.
I'm addicted to dyeing my hair. I feel that it is defining to me. it's the one thing that is my own that no one else can truly have (like clothes and such). It's me. All mine.
-I fidget. A lot. Moving constantly. I sway when I sit and eat. I play with the strings on my hoodie. I snap the water bottle in and out. I check my cell phone for the time constantly. I can't help it. I'm ADD.
-I love Gobstoppers and skittles. they are my source of sugar when my blood sugar drops....And also just for anytime. ;)
-I love movies. Love them. It's like I live vicariously through them. I love good ideas and it has to be a really bad movie for me not to like it. I'm pretty easy to please. I love movie soundtracks too.
-I am a coffee snob. I don't mind.
-I really really really love to cook. I dream of making cool, unique dishes at a fancy restaurant. It's just a dream.....
-I am very gullible and don't get jokes right away. I fall for just about anything.
-I have so many dreams, but are scared sometimes to pursue them because I'm afraid they will come crashing down on top of me.
-I'm not good at confrontation. I hate approaching people when there is a problem. I don't like having problems with people.....

That's all I've got....Maybe more later.

Mothers.

2007-10-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

Most people have one mother. I on the other hand have two. There is the one who found out she was pregnant with me at the age of 21. My age. She gave me up. She looked past the easy outs of abortion and the long road ahead and decided to have me. She knew the pain and hurts that would come, but she persevered.

She gave me to my other mom.

My mom.

The mom who looked at me at 3 days old and loved me. The mom who took care of me through the many (and let me tell you, there are many) rough times. The bumps, bruises, explanations that began with, "But I was curious......", the piano lessons, school, the swimming phase, the soccer phase, the softball phase, the volleyball phase, the tennis phase, and even, yes, the gymnastics phase. She stood by me and cheered all the way through the games, the disappointments, the accomplishments, the recitals, the plays and musicals, hearing the coach say, "Well, maybe Rachelle should try something different...more within her talent range.." She stood by me when I went through that first breakup and when I messed up and when I forgot that note in the piano recital or that line in the play. She is wise, loving, amazing, pushing me to do the things that I need to do (even that home economics class and "proper etiquette training".) She perseveres and keeps the family going, even when we are tired and ready to quit. She loves us unconditionally and understands what we are going through. She doesn't jump to conclusions, even when we reveal secrets that no one else knows. She is thoughtful, always putting others first, and is the perfect mom that I could have ever asked for.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you!!!!

Secrets

2007-10-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

Binding, painful, burning deep inside
No one knows, can ever know
Hurting, heartache, painful times
No one can hear, no one to tell
Biting, eating, things untold
Keeping in the darkest parts
Lies, Forbidden
Breaking hearts
Falling deeper
In the pit
Lower, Sinking
Deeper now
Darkness covers everything
No way out, trapped inside.

Tears unshed, they start to fall
Telling one thing, telling all
Guilty pastimes are revealed
Learning that it's not my fault
Knowing it's not just mine to bear
Hoping it's okay to tell
Grieving with the people near
Praying it is over soon
Calling on the One to hear
Hear me calling
See me crying

Dry the tears
Heal the pain
You can make me new again
Break these binds
That keep me hurting
Tear these ropes
That keep me fighting
Learn to love
Learn to hope
Learn to see the light again

Forgiveness taking over hate
Patience taking over time
Prayers for the hurting ones
Love for the thoughtful ones
Hope for life, Live for the moment

It's over now. The secret's out.
Starting over, fresh, brand new
Okay to laugh, it's fine to feel

Renewed.........

Fake.....

2007-10-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

It's early....Or late...Depending on how you look at it.

Do you ever feel like we are living behind masks? Like that we pretend things are all fine and normal, when inside bits and pieces are breaking away? Like, you pass someone and ask the simple question, How's it going? The normal response is simply, "good". No one usually launches into their life story about how so and so broke up with them or they are already behind on their school work or they don't feel well and so on. No one usually does that and if for some reason they do, they are considered weird or giving too much information, or heaven forbid, a drama queen/king. Why is this the way it is? Why do we feel the need to hide and disclose our true feelings from the world around us? Why are we afraid of the truth, whether it is good or bad? Why can't we just say what we need to say and get on with it? Life would be so much easier...It might be harder and yeah, the truth hurts...But we can get past it. I just hate the feeling of having to hide so much....I hate not being able to cry. There are times when all I want to do is just break down, but I can't...Sarah says that on my wedding day, the years of emotional buildup are going to come crashing out in the ceremony...Haha. Good luck! But I hate wanting to just let it all out and not being able to. ...I wish people could just get rid of the masks they are hiding behind and live their normal lives...Who cares what people think? We all have struggles and problems...We're human!! We all have issues to deal with! That's normal! That's the way God created us! We are supposed to have a vulnerable side and what is wrong with letting stuff out now and then? I am just as guilty as ever.

So here..This is me letting out a piece of me that normally might not be seen. Eyes into my soul and heart....Here I am, letting you see something that I never let out....My vulnerable side.

"Mystery"- 2006/07

Pain in past
Future revealed
New Beginnings

Sunny Days
Hazy maze
Part of the mystery

Hopeful times
Made-up minds
What's the bigger picture?

Is there a story to tell?

The mask
White and Faceless
Covers her aching soul

Her bloodshot eyes
Her broken smile
Her hurts so deep below

His pain goes deep
So no one sees
What's deep inside

Hide deep within
Let no one in
Get far away

Back off
Too close
Too fast, too soon

Run fast
Hide all
Too intimate

Can't bear
The thought
They could find out

No where to run
No where to hide
He sees each thing inside

Melt away
The fears of past
The tears and pain

Melt away
The heartache gone
The time has come

Mysteries no longer
Truth comes out
Truth will win again.

And Christmas.........

2007-10-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

It's official.....

I've had my first cup of hot apple chai
I'm eating skittles out of my winterwonderland penguin mug
I've had hot apple chai with caramel
I've had hot chocolate
I'm drinking apple cider
Fall is here

All this to say, I am now listening to Christmas music. I'm sorry for those who detest Christmas music before Thanksgiving....or in this case, Halloween..

But.

Love me for who I am...Christmas music and all :)

hard goodbyes.

2007-10-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

This past week was the 50th anniversary of Family Life Ministries. I have NO idea who actually reads these things, but for those who don't know, it's a ministry that my grandfather started and has blossomed into an amazing ministry/radio station. I went home and surprised all my family, some of which I haven't seen in about 3 years. It was incredible. There were shocked expressions, laughter, tears, and so much fun. It's amazing being a part of such an amazing legacy. The history of my family is amazing and I am so blessed to be a part of it all. I thank God every day that I am who I am and that I'm in the family I am in. Hearing the stories and the thank you's and the amazing impact my Grandfather has had on countless people blows me away. I can't get over what he was done for God and the blessings he has reaped because of it. He wrote a book and yet is the most humble man I think I will ever know. I hug him and I smell his aftershave for the rest of the day and it is special. He always hugs and tells me to "be good", to which I respond, "of course Grandpa! When am I never good?" We both laugh and it's a special moment just for us.

I love my family. The tons of cousins...The aunts and uncles that are all so close to each other. We had a brunch on Saturday morning and it's so amazing! Think of the dinner in the movie "while you were sleeping". 10 different conversations going on at once, but someone everything makes perfect sense. And my cousins. It's like having a huge family while your growing up. Some of my relationships with my cousins are more like siblingish (yes, I'm making up a word) then they are just cousins. It was just me and Chad growing up, but with all of the cousins, we still had the big family feel. I love my family so much. It's hard being in Ohio while all of them are in NY.

Jeffrey. Where do I begin. I got to spend so much time with him this weekend, more than I anticipated. Friday, breakfast at Heavenly Cup, walking in the most beautiful spot, museum trips, shopping, surprising my aunt and cousins and more Heavenly Cup coffee, music at his house, Denver concert, and playing piano til like 1. Amazing. Saturday, he came over and we watched UTube videos, got coffee and blasted music and sang our hearts out, Go Fish concert, hours at Senora's, visiting my kids (that I nanny), another concert, and more playing piano for hours. It was so good for me getting to spend that much time with him. It was so much fun and I wouldn't have changed anything about that weekend. Saying goodbye was so hard. If I had the ability to cry, I would have been bawling my eyes out....It's so frustrating. I love being able to remain composed because I hate being that emotional in front of others...But it's frustrating because you want to let it out sometimes and you just can't! One of my friends said that on my wedding day, 22 years of emotional buildup are just gonna come crashing out...and she would sit there and laugh....I don't know what I'll be like, but it's hard. Saying goodbye is so stinkin' hard. I get to see him in one month and that will be amazing! :)

I feel like it's the day after Christmas....There is so much anticipation built up for sooooo long! it's something you look forward to and you know it's going to be amazing. I knew about this weekend for a month and was beside myself with excitement. But now that it's over, it's like draining. I know I have something to look forward to in a month, but it's still hard. All my family is in NY. I'm in Ohio. Jeffrey is in Florida. I'm in Ohio. Casey is in Kentucky. I'm in Ohio...(I'm beginning to have feelings of hatred towards Ohio for some reason) ;)

This is just the ramblings of a girl at 8 at night, sitting in her room with the twinkle lights on and wanting nothing more than to just curl up with a sappy movie...

I think I'll do just that...

Until next time........

No words.

2007-09-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

full update later.

but for now.

........................wow.......................

Random.

2007-09-26T20:30:00.001-07:00

I have no idea what to say today, except....

Lemonade is good.
Amy is fun ;)
Movies and fun drinks in my room! *yeah amy*
Laughing uncontrollably is so good for you.
I'm going home tomorrow.

That's all I've got.

NewSong

2007-09-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

Here I am
Once Again
Standing now
Before you
Wondering why
I am here again

Broken now
Heavy heart
Crying out
I need you
Are you there
Listening to me now

I am broken, Yes I need you
Can you hear me cry?

Come down on me
Free my spirit
Make me yours again
I need you to change my heart now
Make me yours again

Maybe I
Couldn't See
Maybe I
Ignored you
Maybe I
Didn't want to hear
your voice

I have been
So ignorant
Now I beg
And plead You
I need You,
Please don't leave
me now.

I am broken, Yes I need you
Can you hear me cry?

Come down on me
Free my spirit
Make me yours again
I need you to change my heart now
Make me yours again

(bridge)
I've been selfish
Needy and useless
Coming back was the hardest thing to do
On my face now
right before you
Please don't leave me there
I'm so hurt and scared.

Come down on me
Free my spirit
Make me yours again
I need you to change my heart now
Make me yours again
(Repeat)

Only you can change my heart
Only you can save me
Only you can take my burdens
Save me now
I am on my knees...

For Jeff

2007-09-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

Jeff said I need to post more, so I here I am.....Goodness.

Today I....

Slept, due to the massive bump on my head.
Sold my old hair straightener.
Talked to mommy and Jeffrey. :)
Watched some TV on my lappy.
Went to Walmart.
Talked to Amy for a while.
Did some homework and made some tea.
Dyed Amy's hair :)

And now I want to dye my hair....again...

Next on the agenda...

Finish homework.
Do yoga.
Finish tea.
Go to bed :)

There Jeff...Happy? That's about as random as I get.....

New blog.

2007-09-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

Tired of xanga. there's too much...It's too confusing. Don't worry xanga addicts, I will keep watch, but I am officially moving. There. My secret is out. Now to make this site creative.....