It's been forever since my last blog...where did the time go? when did I become a college alum getting an invitation for her second homecoming out of college? When the heck did I turn 23?? (which I forgot abut the other day...Del said something about me being 23, to which defensively corrected him "22!!"...to which he said, "sweetie...you just turned 23"...yikes)
I've grown. I've changed. I've matured. I've lost it. I've messed up. I've succeeded. I've had those weeks where I'll put in 70 hours and have the bring it on attitude. I've had weeks where I work 50 hours and still sleep every possible minute. I've broken down. I've had great times. I've made amazing friends. All in all, this year has been good. I'm still moving at a lighting speed through life...or so it seems...
My life is crazy busy...they forgot to tell us in school that it would be this way. Sheesh being an adult is rough ...but i love it and I wouldn't change a thing..well maybe a couple things....
more to come...??
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
More questions. And yet no answers.
It's a constant lesson I feel like I learn all the time. Trust. That word. It holds so much depth. It means so much of letting go. It means I need to let go and let someone else take control. I struggle. I sin. I error. I make the same mistake over and over again. I was talking to my friend the other night and told her why I struggle with such trust issues. I let myself completely trust in someone and he hurt me. Bad. Not just breaking my heart bad. It was never like that. It's not a story of love gone wrong or anything. That was never the case. Love was never involved. It definitely wasn't portrayed. I was hurt. I was broken. I was shaken to the very core of wondering why I existed. I made mistakes. I was hurt. I never spoke up. I lost my trust.
It took so long for me to completely trust in anyone ever again. I thought the same thing would happen. Which it did. Almost the same situation. I let myself trust and again, I was taken advantage of. I felt like I couldn't recover. Then a dear friend of mine helped me dig and learn to trust and start new. I still have problems. I still struggle. I still want to take control and do things on my own. But that's not how God intended.
I always hated the trite expression, "Just trust in God" or the even more dreaded one, "God has a plan in all this. You just can't see it yet." We do have things to work out. We have to get our hands dirty. But He is in control. We might suffer or struggle. But He will work something out. Something that might be even better than we thought. That is my God. That is who I am learning to trust in. He is in control. He is taking care of me and watching out for me. He's not going to let me waste my life. He will provide and He will see me through. That is incredible. I am one tiny person! One insignificant person out of the hundreds of millions of people and He is choosing to take care of me! Me! Who screws up so many times! Me! He chose me! He loves me! I think that is so incredible.
He is indescribable. No amount of words will do Him justice. He surpasses anything and everything that I can say in a lifetime. He is MY God. He is MY Father. He is taking care of me.
I'm sorry. Sorry for my lack of trust. For my lack of faith. For my insecurities. For my failures. For my incompletes. I am grateful. Grateful for the new day. For the amazing opportunities. For the dreams come true. For life. For living. For everything I am. For everything I'm supposed to be. I am hopeful. Hopeful for new things. For change. For peace. For love. For secure moments. For laughter. For life.
This is me. Open and blank. I am a canvas, waiting to be painted. I am empty book, waiting to be written in. I am empty vessel, waiting to be filled. Filled with His glory. His wonder. His love. His wisdom. Waiting to be used for Him. This is me. Broken and ready. Humble and changed. Ready to live a life worthy of Him. This is me. I'm ready.
It took so long for me to completely trust in anyone ever again. I thought the same thing would happen. Which it did. Almost the same situation. I let myself trust and again, I was taken advantage of. I felt like I couldn't recover. Then a dear friend of mine helped me dig and learn to trust and start new. I still have problems. I still struggle. I still want to take control and do things on my own. But that's not how God intended.
I always hated the trite expression, "Just trust in God" or the even more dreaded one, "God has a plan in all this. You just can't see it yet." We do have things to work out. We have to get our hands dirty. But He is in control. We might suffer or struggle. But He will work something out. Something that might be even better than we thought. That is my God. That is who I am learning to trust in. He is in control. He is taking care of me and watching out for me. He's not going to let me waste my life. He will provide and He will see me through. That is incredible. I am one tiny person! One insignificant person out of the hundreds of millions of people and He is choosing to take care of me! Me! Who screws up so many times! Me! He chose me! He loves me! I think that is so incredible.
He is indescribable. No amount of words will do Him justice. He surpasses anything and everything that I can say in a lifetime. He is MY God. He is MY Father. He is taking care of me.
I'm sorry. Sorry for my lack of trust. For my lack of faith. For my insecurities. For my failures. For my incompletes. I am grateful. Grateful for the new day. For the amazing opportunities. For the dreams come true. For life. For living. For everything I am. For everything I'm supposed to be. I am hopeful. Hopeful for new things. For change. For peace. For love. For secure moments. For laughter. For life.
This is me. Open and blank. I am a canvas, waiting to be painted. I am empty book, waiting to be written in. I am empty vessel, waiting to be filled. Filled with His glory. His wonder. His love. His wisdom. Waiting to be used for Him. This is me. Broken and ready. Humble and changed. Ready to live a life worthy of Him. This is me. I'm ready.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Questionable Content.
I don't know why I even have this. I think there is a part of me that feels strangely safe here....Most of this gets uploaded to my facebook...But the rest of the world besides one person don't even know that this exists. I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel open to share me...The deep me...The part of me that most people might not know...Might not hear of...Might not even take the time to understand.
I should be writing a paper. For my sociology class. Reading articles on racism and critiquing the articles themselves. How is this helping me learn? Reading someone else's bullshit answers and responses on why people act the way that they do. These answers are worthless..No one is actually doing anything about the problem, thus the problem persists and people complain about it. The world is messed up sometimes I think.
I'm moving Friday. I'm so so so ready to be out of Cedarville...I think I was ready my Freshman year to be out of Cedarville. (sorry if anyone who reads this actually cares about Cedarville). My favorite question. "So, if you're staying in Ohio, you must really like it huh?" The answer? No. Columbus..yes. I can't wait for Columbus. But Cedarville, however, I don't like. I'm so ready to be out of this gross apartment and ready to go to my beautiful one. I'm so ready to be out of this tiny town where strange things happen constantly. I'm so ready to be around my friends and to start my job. So excited.
I was using my StumbleUpon button tonight. it really is such a time waster for me...But I love the thrill of "what site will it bring up?" I love it. It brought me to a picture of Ireland. I started at it. it made me miss it so much that it hurt. I really want nothing more than to be there. I would give anything...seriously...anything to be over there. I love it so much. I felt such a connection there and really wish I could be there on a permanent basis. They just take their time there. They don't sit around, arguing about politics all day long. They live. They do what matters to them. They love. They love things and they do what they love. I miss it so very much. I will go back someday. I don't know when, but I will go back. Shouldn't we be where we love? It sounds oh so amazing.
I could make excuses about how random the post is....I can't blame it on alcohol...Not enough to drink ...Can't blame it on the time, cause I'm not even tired. Blame it on emotion. All the random little ones brought together.
Anyways. I didn't promise anything spectacular. Sorry if I let you down.
out.
I should be writing a paper. For my sociology class. Reading articles on racism and critiquing the articles themselves. How is this helping me learn? Reading someone else's bullshit answers and responses on why people act the way that they do. These answers are worthless..No one is actually doing anything about the problem, thus the problem persists and people complain about it. The world is messed up sometimes I think.
I'm moving Friday. I'm so so so ready to be out of Cedarville...I think I was ready my Freshman year to be out of Cedarville. (sorry if anyone who reads this actually cares about Cedarville). My favorite question. "So, if you're staying in Ohio, you must really like it huh?" The answer? No. Columbus..yes. I can't wait for Columbus. But Cedarville, however, I don't like. I'm so ready to be out of this gross apartment and ready to go to my beautiful one. I'm so ready to be out of this tiny town where strange things happen constantly. I'm so ready to be around my friends and to start my job. So excited.
I was using my StumbleUpon button tonight. it really is such a time waster for me...But I love the thrill of "what site will it bring up?" I love it. It brought me to a picture of Ireland. I started at it. it made me miss it so much that it hurt. I really want nothing more than to be there. I would give anything...seriously...anything to be over there. I love it so much. I felt such a connection there and really wish I could be there on a permanent basis. They just take their time there. They don't sit around, arguing about politics all day long. They live. They do what matters to them. They love. They love things and they do what they love. I miss it so very much. I will go back someday. I don't know when, but I will go back. Shouldn't we be where we love? It sounds oh so amazing.
I could make excuses about how random the post is....I can't blame it on alcohol...Not enough to drink ...Can't blame it on the time, cause I'm not even tired. Blame it on emotion. All the random little ones brought together.
Anyways. I didn't promise anything spectacular. Sorry if I let you down.
out.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Scared??? Most Definitely.
Fact. We all have to grow up.
Fact. We all have to leave our parents behind and move on in our lives.
Fact. College isn't the end of the road, it's just the beginning.
Fact. We get so wrapped up in what we are doing at school that we forget that there is indeed life after school.
Fact. I have never felt so unprepared.
Fact. I have never been so excited.
School is almost over. I am almost walking across the stage in a cap and gown and getting a diploma. I almost have a degree. I have had my senior recital. I have written huge papers. I have had finals and projects. I have earned a degree. I am almost done. I am almost done with school. I am just about to be shoved out into the real world. And I am scared out of my mind.
I feel like this should be one of those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. "Hi. My name is Rachelle and I am a college graduate" (a chorus of mundane "Hi Rachelles" echo). "I am almost done with school and now have to make a living. I have to be a responsible adult". Wow. Where has the time gone. It feels like I was just having my highschool graduation party with tons of friends and family gathered around while I opened presents and cards. It feels like I was just taking my "senior trip" to NYC to see Phantom with Heather over the summer. It feels like I was just at music camp getting ready for college. It feels like I was just in Target picking out all my matching sheets and bedspread to coordinate with my matching trash can, plates, cups, pillow, blanket, and yes, even the matching dry erase board with matching magnets. It feels like Kathleen and I were just getting our dorm room ready and realizing that we had way too much stuff. And here I am. Living in an apartment, working, taking a class, and getting ready for graduation. I don't think a word has ever been so exciting yet so ominous at the same time. Graduation. The efforts of four, maybe even five years of hard work and dedication. Yet. The point in a 21/22 year old's life where they finally realize, "this is it". I don't have anyone making sure I'm in my dorm room by 12 PM. I don't have someone making sure I'm not watching R rated movies. I don't have someone making sure I'm not drinking or smoking. I don't have someone to be responsible for me. That is now all on me.
It's scary. It's so scary to think I am on my own. Up to this point, I have been so blessed with the fact that someone else is paying for all this. But now, I have to pay rent. I have to buy groceries. I have to pay car insurance. I have to figure all that stuff out. It's scary!
I have to make a decision and it scares the heck out of me. I have an opportunity to have a ridiculously amazing job. Seriously. It can't get much better. 2-9 PM. Teaching students how to play piano. Being a guide to them. Helping them master something so amazing and beautiful. It's a dream job. Working at a conservatory doing something so freaking amazing. I can't even believe it. But it means moving to a brand new city. Saying goodbye to all my friends. Finding a new apartment. Understanding the fact that I am committing to this job for over a year. I can't back out. It's not just a summer job where, it's okay if I hate it because I'm only there for the summer. Nope. 14 months. Definite. Set in stone. No changing my mind. 14 months. Away from friends and family. No fall breaks or Christmas breaks. No spring breaks or going home for the weekend just because I can. 14 months. It sounds amazing but so scary. Moving somewhere where I am not familiar. Moving somewhere that is just as far away from home. I am out of my comfort zone. I can't just call my friends up to come over because I'm lonely. I can't go to the church that I fell in love with here at school. I can't walk to campus just to be around the students. This is it.
There are so many cons to this situation, but I also have to think of the amazing pros. This is a dream job. This is my degree. I can use my talents and gifts. This can help me pursue my even bigger dream of music therapy. It's scary, but it's amazing. It's unpredictable. It's not an office job where I am sitting at a desk in front of the computer, answering the phones and doing other office related things. It's amazing. It's exciting. It's scary. I think that every emotion is provoked by this right now.
All I can do is pray. I have a decision to make. A scary, life-altering decision. An amazing opportunity.
I have never been so ready and so unprepared, so excited and scared, so happy and so sad, so amazed, yet so frustrated. This is life, and I am ready to get out there in the real world. I am ready and excited for what God has in store.
This is the best answer that I have for when someone asks, "So what are you doing after graduation?"
Whatever God wants me to do.
Peace.
Fact. We all have to leave our parents behind and move on in our lives.
Fact. College isn't the end of the road, it's just the beginning.
Fact. We get so wrapped up in what we are doing at school that we forget that there is indeed life after school.
Fact. I have never felt so unprepared.
Fact. I have never been so excited.
School is almost over. I am almost walking across the stage in a cap and gown and getting a diploma. I almost have a degree. I have had my senior recital. I have written huge papers. I have had finals and projects. I have earned a degree. I am almost done. I am almost done with school. I am just about to be shoved out into the real world. And I am scared out of my mind.
I feel like this should be one of those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. "Hi. My name is Rachelle and I am a college graduate" (a chorus of mundane "Hi Rachelles" echo). "I am almost done with school and now have to make a living. I have to be a responsible adult". Wow. Where has the time gone. It feels like I was just having my highschool graduation party with tons of friends and family gathered around while I opened presents and cards. It feels like I was just taking my "senior trip" to NYC to see Phantom with Heather over the summer. It feels like I was just at music camp getting ready for college. It feels like I was just in Target picking out all my matching sheets and bedspread to coordinate with my matching trash can, plates, cups, pillow, blanket, and yes, even the matching dry erase board with matching magnets. It feels like Kathleen and I were just getting our dorm room ready and realizing that we had way too much stuff. And here I am. Living in an apartment, working, taking a class, and getting ready for graduation. I don't think a word has ever been so exciting yet so ominous at the same time. Graduation. The efforts of four, maybe even five years of hard work and dedication. Yet. The point in a 21/22 year old's life where they finally realize, "this is it". I don't have anyone making sure I'm in my dorm room by 12 PM. I don't have someone making sure I'm not watching R rated movies. I don't have someone making sure I'm not drinking or smoking. I don't have someone to be responsible for me. That is now all on me.
It's scary. It's so scary to think I am on my own. Up to this point, I have been so blessed with the fact that someone else is paying for all this. But now, I have to pay rent. I have to buy groceries. I have to pay car insurance. I have to figure all that stuff out. It's scary!
I have to make a decision and it scares the heck out of me. I have an opportunity to have a ridiculously amazing job. Seriously. It can't get much better. 2-9 PM. Teaching students how to play piano. Being a guide to them. Helping them master something so amazing and beautiful. It's a dream job. Working at a conservatory doing something so freaking amazing. I can't even believe it. But it means moving to a brand new city. Saying goodbye to all my friends. Finding a new apartment. Understanding the fact that I am committing to this job for over a year. I can't back out. It's not just a summer job where, it's okay if I hate it because I'm only there for the summer. Nope. 14 months. Definite. Set in stone. No changing my mind. 14 months. Away from friends and family. No fall breaks or Christmas breaks. No spring breaks or going home for the weekend just because I can. 14 months. It sounds amazing but so scary. Moving somewhere where I am not familiar. Moving somewhere that is just as far away from home. I am out of my comfort zone. I can't just call my friends up to come over because I'm lonely. I can't go to the church that I fell in love with here at school. I can't walk to campus just to be around the students. This is it.
There are so many cons to this situation, but I also have to think of the amazing pros. This is a dream job. This is my degree. I can use my talents and gifts. This can help me pursue my even bigger dream of music therapy. It's scary, but it's amazing. It's unpredictable. It's not an office job where I am sitting at a desk in front of the computer, answering the phones and doing other office related things. It's amazing. It's exciting. It's scary. I think that every emotion is provoked by this right now.
All I can do is pray. I have a decision to make. A scary, life-altering decision. An amazing opportunity.
I have never been so ready and so unprepared, so excited and scared, so happy and so sad, so amazed, yet so frustrated. This is life, and I am ready to get out there in the real world. I am ready and excited for what God has in store.
This is the best answer that I have for when someone asks, "So what are you doing after graduation?"
Whatever God wants me to do.
Peace.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Change My World
Eyes wide shut,
heart in her hands
Standing arms spread wide
Dreams just dashing
Going so fast,
dancing around in her head
Take a deep breath,
Just breathe it in
Listen to everything now
Take a quick glance
Before it goes
Just listen now
How it can change my world
How I can hope to dream
How I can live my life
How I can make it seem
I'm just waiting right here
Waiting right now
Hoping so much
Thinking some how
How it can change my world
Thinking of dreams
It's not very hard
Thinking of something
Deep in your heart
Wishing so much
That it comes true
Don't let it pass
Hurry now, go
Don't let life pass you by
Make a big plan
Open your heart
Open your arms wide to...
How it can change my world
How I can hope to dream
How I can live my life
How I can make it seem
I'm just waiting right here
Waiting right now
Hoping so much
Thinking some how
How it can change my world
heart in her hands
Standing arms spread wide
Dreams just dashing
Going so fast,
dancing around in her head
Take a deep breath,
Just breathe it in
Listen to everything now
Take a quick glance
Before it goes
Just listen now
How it can change my world
How I can hope to dream
How I can live my life
How I can make it seem
I'm just waiting right here
Waiting right now
Hoping so much
Thinking some how
How it can change my world
Thinking of dreams
It's not very hard
Thinking of something
Deep in your heart
Wishing so much
That it comes true
Don't let it pass
Hurry now, go
Don't let life pass you by
Make a big plan
Open your heart
Open your arms wide to...
How it can change my world
How I can hope to dream
How I can live my life
How I can make it seem
I'm just waiting right here
Waiting right now
Hoping so much
Thinking some how
How it can change my world
Monday, November 19, 2007
New Stuff
"Tranquility" 07
Sitting in the dark
All alone
Listen softly
Quiet now
Don't say a word
Peaceful now
Carefully
Each sound
Close your eyes
Focus your mind
Look deeply
Bare your soul
Calm your heart
Steady breath
Each sound I hear
Seems more real
Each movement more alive
The methods of
the ticking clock
The voices of
the happy ones
The whirring of
the air I breathe
So soft
but so intense
Yet so peaceful.
"Waiting" 06/07
Indiscretion
Wondering why
How did things get so bad?
How this world
Fell so deep
In a pit so far
How'd it happen
Where's the time
Passing by
Going quickly, too fast for most
Yet slow for imperfections
Must we sit
So idly by
And watch all of this turmoil?
Take a stand
Let it be known
It's time for revolution.
Generations come and go
Foundations break away
We can change
Show them how
Make a better way.
Sitting in the dark
All alone
Listen softly
Quiet now
Don't say a word
Peaceful now
Carefully
Each sound
Close your eyes
Focus your mind
Look deeply
Bare your soul
Calm your heart
Steady breath
Each sound I hear
Seems more real
Each movement more alive
The methods of
the ticking clock
The voices of
the happy ones
The whirring of
the air I breathe
So soft
but so intense
Yet so peaceful.
"Waiting" 06/07
Indiscretion
Wondering why
How did things get so bad?
How this world
Fell so deep
In a pit so far
How'd it happen
Where's the time
Passing by
Going quickly, too fast for most
Yet slow for imperfections
Must we sit
So idly by
And watch all of this turmoil?
Take a stand
Let it be known
It's time for revolution.
Generations come and go
Foundations break away
We can change
Show them how
Make a better way.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saddened.
It amazes me. I know what is coming, and yet it makes me sad. I watch Friends. I own so many seasons. I watch them, knowing that there is an end. There is that final episode. Yet, when I watch it, I'm saddened. Gilmore girls. I know there is an end in sight, but I don't want it to come. I know it's all fictional and that the characters aren't real, but it makes me sad to know that the stories end. I want to know what will happen next. How are Monica and Chandler's kids? Do Ross and Rachel get married? Will Luke and Lorelai end up together? These are all questions that we will never know because someone decided to end the lifespan of a great 10 years of Friends. Someone decided to break the hearts of the huge fans of Gilmore girls. *sigh* I'm really not addicted. It just makes me sad. I know it's coming, and yet, I still fall for the sadness every time. I'm hopeless......
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