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"Tranquility" 07

Sitting in the dark
All alone
Listen softly
Quiet now
Don't say a word
Peaceful now
Carefully
Each sound
Close your eyes
Focus your mind
Look deeply
Bare your soul
Calm your heart
Steady breath
Each sound I hear
Seems more real
Each movement more alive
The methods of
the ticking clock
The voices of
the happy ones
The whirring of
the air I breathe
So soft
but so intense
Yet so peaceful.


"Waiting" 06/07

Indiscretion
Wondering why
How did things get so bad?
How this world
Fell so deep
In a pit so far
How'd it happen
Where's the time
Passing by
Going quickly, too fast for most
Yet slow for imperfections
Must we sit
So idly by
And watch all of this turmoil?
Take a stand
Let it be known
It's time for revolution.
Generations come and go
Foundations break away
We can change
Show them how
Make a better way.

Saddened.

It amazes me. I know what is coming, and yet it makes me sad. I watch Friends. I own so many seasons. I watch them, knowing that there is an end. There is that final episode. Yet, when I watch it, I'm saddened. Gilmore girls. I know there is an end in sight, but I don't want it to come. I know it's all fictional and that the characters aren't real, but it makes me sad to know that the stories end. I want to know what will happen next. How are Monica and Chandler's kids? Do Ross and Rachel get married? Will Luke and Lorelai end up together? These are all questions that we will never know because someone decided to end the lifespan of a great 10 years of Friends. Someone decided to break the hearts of the huge fans of Gilmore girls. *sigh* I'm really not addicted. It just makes me sad. I know it's coming, and yet, I still fall for the sadness every time. I'm hopeless......

True confessions......Unashamedly

-I walk on the grass even though we aren't supposed to.
-I love diet pepsi. It's true.....I went from no soda to suddenly Diet Pepsi addict.
-Gilmore girls is growing on me.....It's true.
-I'm wearing more hoodies than ever before....my life has no time for fashion.
-I love shopping online. i must be stopped if I'm on my own next semester.
-I miss my Mommy and Daddy. I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. His little princess. His "Chell-Belle". I cherish it.
-I love the rain..I don't mind getting wet.
-I listen to other people's conversations. Not to be nosy, but I love people watching and sometimes that includes listening.
-I'm computer illiterate. I didn't know what the "insert" button meant on the keyboard....It was an intense lesson.
-My mood changes with my music. If my random mix switches from happy to sad, I feel down. I follow the music wherever it goes.
-I want to be done with school. Be done with a dorm room. Live on my own. Not feeling like I'm at camp anymore. But I'm not ready to grow up.
-I detest being scared. I think it's mean to scare people. I also hate scary movies. Hate them. I'm such a jumpy person and am very easy to scare, so I don't like it.
-I love jewelry. Can't have enough of it. (but most people knew that already)
-I just cut my own bangs and love them.
I'm addicted to dyeing my hair. I feel that it is defining to me. it's the one thing that is my own that no one else can truly have (like clothes and such). It's me. All mine.
-I fidget. A lot. Moving constantly. I sway when I sit and eat. I play with the strings on my hoodie. I snap the water bottle in and out. I check my cell phone for the time constantly. I can't help it. I'm ADD.
-I love Gobstoppers and skittles. they are my source of sugar when my blood sugar drops....And also just for anytime. ;)
-I love movies. Love them. It's like I live vicariously through them. I love good ideas and it has to be a really bad movie for me not to like it. I'm pretty easy to please. I love movie soundtracks too.
-I am a coffee snob. I don't mind.
-I really really really love to cook. I dream of making cool, unique dishes at a fancy restaurant. It's just a dream.....
-I am very gullible and don't get jokes right away. I fall for just about anything.
-I have so many dreams, but are scared sometimes to pursue them because I'm afraid they will come crashing down on top of me.
-I'm not good at confrontation. I hate approaching people when there is a problem. I don't like having problems with people.....


That's all I've got....Maybe more later.

Mothers.

Most people have one mother. I on the other hand have two. There is the one who found out she was pregnant with me at the age of 21. My age. She gave me up. She looked past the easy outs of abortion and the long road ahead and decided to have me. She knew the pain and hurts that would come, but she persevered.

She gave me to my other mom.

My mom.

The mom who looked at me at 3 days old and loved me. The mom who took care of me through the many (and let me tell you, there are many) rough times. The bumps, bruises, explanations that began with, "But I was curious......", the piano lessons, school, the swimming phase, the soccer phase, the softball phase, the volleyball phase, the tennis phase, and even, yes, the gymnastics phase. She stood by me and cheered all the way through the games, the disappointments, the accomplishments, the recitals, the plays and musicals, hearing the coach say, "Well, maybe Rachelle should try something different...more within her talent range.." She stood by me when I went through that first breakup and when I messed up and when I forgot that note in the piano recital or that line in the play. She is wise, loving, amazing, pushing me to do the things that I need to do (even that home economics class and "proper etiquette training".) She perseveres and keeps the family going, even when we are tired and ready to quit. She loves us unconditionally and understands what we are going through. She doesn't jump to conclusions, even when we reveal secrets that no one else knows. She is thoughtful, always putting others first, and is the perfect mom that I could have ever asked for.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you!!!!

Secrets

Binding, painful, burning deep inside
No one knows, can ever know
Hurting, heartache, painful times
No one can hear, no one to tell
Biting, eating, things untold
Keeping in the darkest parts
Lies, Forbidden
Breaking hearts
Falling deeper
In the pit
Lower, Sinking
Deeper now
Darkness covers everything
No way out, trapped inside.

Tears unshed, they start to fall
Telling one thing, telling all
Guilty pastimes are revealed
Learning that it's not my fault
Knowing it's not just mine to bear
Hoping it's okay to tell
Grieving with the people near
Praying it is over soon
Calling on the One to hear
Hear me calling
See me crying

Dry the tears
Heal the pain
You can make me new again
Break these binds
That keep me hurting
Tear these ropes
That keep me fighting
Learn to love
Learn to hope
Learn to see the light again

Forgiveness taking over hate
Patience taking over time
Prayers for the hurting ones
Love for the thoughtful ones
Hope for life, Live for the moment

It's over now. The secret's out.
Starting over, fresh, brand new
Okay to laugh, it's fine to feel

Renewed.........

Fake.....

It's early....Or late...Depending on how you look at it.

Do you ever feel like we are living behind masks? Like that we pretend things are all fine and normal, when inside bits and pieces are breaking away? Like, you pass someone and ask the simple question, How's it going? The normal response is simply, "good". No one usually launches into their life story about how so and so broke up with them or they are already behind on their school work or they don't feel well and so on. No one usually does that and if for some reason they do, they are considered weird or giving too much information, or heaven forbid, a drama queen/king. Why is this the way it is? Why do we feel the need to hide and disclose our true feelings from the world around us? Why are we afraid of the truth, whether it is good or bad? Why can't we just say what we need to say and get on with it? Life would be so much easier...It might be harder and yeah, the truth hurts...But we can get past it. I just hate the feeling of having to hide so much....I hate not being able to cry. There are times when all I want to do is just break down, but I can't...Sarah says that on my wedding day, the years of emotional buildup are going to come crashing out in the ceremony...Haha. Good luck! But I hate wanting to just let it all out and not being able to. ...I wish people could just get rid of the masks they are hiding behind and live their normal lives...Who cares what people think? We all have struggles and problems...We're human!! We all have issues to deal with! That's normal! That's the way God created us! We are supposed to have a vulnerable side and what is wrong with letting stuff out now and then? I am just as guilty as ever.

So here..This is me letting out a piece of me that normally might not be seen. Eyes into my soul and heart....Here I am, letting you see something that I never let out....My vulnerable side.


"Mystery"- 2006/07

Pain in past
Future revealed
New Beginnings

Sunny Days
Hazy maze
Part of the mystery

Hopeful times
Made-up minds
What's the bigger picture?

Is there a story to tell?

The mask
White and Faceless
Covers her aching soul

Her bloodshot eyes
Her broken smile
Her hurts so deep below

His pain goes deep
So no one sees
What's deep inside

Hide deep within
Let no one in
Get far away

Back off
Too close
Too fast, too soon

Run fast
Hide all
Too intimate

Can't bear
The thought
They could find out

No where to run
No where to hide
He sees each thing inside

Melt away
The fears of past
The tears and pain

Melt away
The heartache gone
The time has come

Mysteries no longer
Truth comes out
Truth will win again.

And Christmas.........

It's official.....

• I've had my first cup of hot apple chai
• I'm eating skittles out of my winterwonderland penguin mug
• I've had hot apple chai with caramel
• I've had hot chocolate
  
• I'm drinking apple cider
• Fall is here

All this to say, I am now listening to Christmas music. I'm sorry for those who detest Christmas music before Thanksgiving....or in this case, Halloween..

But.




Love me for who I am...Christmas music and all :)

hard goodbyes.

This past week was the 50th anniversary of Family Life Ministries. I have NO idea who actually reads these things, but for those who don't know, it's a ministry that my grandfather started and has blossomed into an amazing ministry/radio station. I went home and surprised all my family, some of which I haven't seen in about 3 years. It was incredible. There were shocked expressions, laughter, tears, and so much fun. It's amazing being a part of such an amazing legacy. The history of my family is amazing and I am so blessed to be a part of it all. I thank God every day that I am who I am and that I'm in the family I am in. Hearing the stories and the thank you's and the amazing impact my Grandfather has had on countless people blows me away. I can't get over what he was done for God and the blessings he has reaped because of it. He wrote a book and yet is the most humble man I think I will ever know. I hug him and I smell his aftershave for the rest of the day and it is special. He always hugs and tells me to "be good", to which I respond, "of course Grandpa! When am I never good?" We both laugh and it's a special moment just for us.

I love my family. The tons of cousins...The aunts and uncles that are all so close to each other. We had a brunch on Saturday morning and it's so amazing! Think of the dinner in the movie "while you were sleeping". 10 different conversations going on at once, but someone everything makes perfect sense. And my cousins. It's like having a huge family while your growing up. Some of my relationships with my cousins are more like siblingish (yes, I'm making up a word) then they are just cousins. It was just me and Chad growing up, but with all of the cousins, we still had the big family feel. I love my family so much. It's hard being in Ohio while all of them are in NY.

Jeffrey. Where do I begin. I got to spend so much time with him this weekend, more than I anticipated. Friday, breakfast at Heavenly Cup, walking in the most beautiful spot, museum trips, shopping, surprising my aunt and cousins and more Heavenly Cup coffee, music at his house, Denver concert, and playing piano til like 1. Amazing. Saturday, he came over and we watched UTube videos, got coffee and blasted music and sang our hearts out, Go Fish concert, hours at Senora's, visiting my kids (that I nanny), another concert, and more playing piano for hours. It was so good for me getting to spend that much time with him. It was so much fun and I wouldn't have changed anything about that weekend. Saying goodbye was so hard. If I had the ability to cry, I would have been bawling my eyes out....It's so frustrating. I love being able to remain composed because I hate being that emotional in front of others...But it's frustrating because you want to let it out sometimes and you just can't! One of my friends said that on my wedding day, 22 years of emotional buildup are just gonna come crashing out...and she would sit there and laugh....I don't know what I'll be like, but it's hard. Saying goodbye is so stinkin' hard. I get to see him in one month and that will be amazing! :)

I feel like it's the day after Christmas....There is so much anticipation built up for sooooo long! it's something you look forward to and you know it's going to be amazing. I knew about this weekend for a month and was beside myself with excitement. But now that it's over, it's like draining. I know I have something to look forward to in a month, but it's still hard. All my family is in NY. I'm in Ohio. Jeffrey is in Florida. I'm in Ohio. Casey is in Kentucky. I'm in Ohio...(I'm beginning to have feelings of hatred towards Ohio for some reason) ;)

This is just the ramblings of a girl at 8 at night, sitting in her room with the twinkle lights on and wanting nothing more than to just curl up with a sappy movie...



I think I'll do just that...


Until next time........

No words.

full update later.

but for now.


........................wow.......................

Random.

I have no idea what to say today, except....





Lemonade is good.
Amy is fun ;)
Movies and fun drinks in my room! *yeah amy*
Laughing uncontrollably is so good for you.
I'm going home tomorrow.


That's all I've got.

NewSong

Here I am
Once Again
Standing now
Before you
Wondering why
I am here again

Broken now
Heavy heart
Crying out
I need you
Are you there
Listening to me now

I am broken, Yes I need you
Can you hear me cry?

Come down on me
Free my spirit
Make me yours again
I need you to change my heart now
Make me yours again

Maybe I
Couldn't See
Maybe I
Ignored you
Maybe I
Didn't want to hear
your voice

I have been
So ignorant
Now I beg
And plead You
I need You,
Please don't leave
me now.

I am broken, Yes I need you
Can you hear me cry?


Come down on me
Free my spirit
Make me yours again
I need you to change my heart now
Make me yours again

(bridge)
I've been selfish
Needy and useless
Coming back was the hardest thing to do
On my face now
right before you
Please don't leave me there
I'm so hurt and scared.


Come down on me
Free my spirit
Make me yours again
I need you to change my heart now
Make me yours again
(Repeat)

Only you can change my heart
Only you can save me
Only you can take my burdens
Save me now
I am on my knees...

For Jeff

Jeff said I need to post more, so I here I am.....Goodness.

Today I....

Slept, due to the massive bump on my head.
Sold my old hair straightener.
Talked to mommy and Jeffrey. :)
Watched some TV on my lappy.
Went to Walmart.
Talked to Amy for a while.
Did some homework and made some tea.
Dyed Amy's hair :)


And now I want to dye my hair....again...

Next on the agenda...

Finish homework.
Do yoga.
Finish tea.
Go to bed :)



There Jeff...Happy? That's about as random as I get.....

New blog.

Tired of xanga. there's too much...It's too confusing. Don't worry xanga addicts, I will keep watch, but I am officially moving. There. My secret is out. Now to make this site creative.....