More questions. And yet no answers.

It's a constant lesson I feel like I learn all the time. Trust. That word. It holds so much depth. It means so much of letting go. It means I need to let go and let someone else take control. I struggle. I sin. I error. I make the same mistake over and over again. I was talking to my friend the other night and told her why I struggle with such trust issues. I let myself completely trust in someone and he hurt me. Bad. Not just breaking my heart bad. It was never like that. It's not a story of love gone wrong or anything. That was never the case. Love was never involved. It definitely wasn't portrayed. I was hurt. I was broken. I was shaken to the very core of wondering why I existed. I made mistakes. I was hurt. I never spoke up. I lost my trust.

It took so long for me to completely trust in anyone ever again. I thought the same thing would happen. Which it did. Almost the same situation. I let myself trust and again, I was taken advantage of. I felt like I couldn't recover. Then a dear friend of mine helped me dig and learn to trust and start new. I still have problems. I still struggle. I still want to take control and do things on my own. But that's not how God intended.

I always hated the trite expression, "Just trust in God" or the even more dreaded one, "God has a plan in all this. You just can't see it yet." We do have things to work out. We have to get our hands dirty. But He is in control. We might suffer or struggle. But He will work something out. Something that might be even better than we thought. That is my God. That is who I am learning to trust in. He is in control. He is taking care of me and watching out for me. He's not going to let me waste my life. He will provide and He will see me through. That is incredible. I am one tiny person! One insignificant person out of the hundreds of millions of people and He is choosing to take care of me! Me! Who screws up so many times! Me! He chose me! He loves me! I think that is so incredible.

He is indescribable. No amount of words will do Him justice. He surpasses anything and everything that I can say in a lifetime. He is MY God. He is MY Father. He is taking care of me.

I'm sorry. Sorry for my lack of trust. For my lack of faith. For my insecurities. For my failures. For my incompletes. I am grateful. Grateful for the new day. For the amazing opportunities. For the dreams come true. For life. For living. For everything I am. For everything I'm supposed to be. I am hopeful. Hopeful for new things. For change. For peace. For love. For secure moments. For laughter. For life.

This is me. Open and blank. I am a canvas, waiting to be painted. I am empty book, waiting to be written in. I am empty vessel, waiting to be filled. Filled with His glory. His wonder. His love. His wisdom. Waiting to be used for Him. This is me. Broken and ready. Humble and changed. Ready to live a life worthy of Him. This is me. I'm ready.

Questionable Content.

I don't know why I even have this. I think there is a part of me that feels strangely safe here....Most of this gets uploaded to my facebook...But the rest of the world besides one person don't even know that this exists. I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel open to share me...The deep me...The part of me that most people might not know...Might not hear of...Might not even take the time to understand.

I should be writing a paper. For my sociology class. Reading articles on racism and critiquing the articles themselves. How is this helping me learn? Reading someone else's bullshit answers and responses on why people act the way that they do. These answers are worthless..No one is actually doing anything about the problem, thus the problem persists and people complain about it. The world is messed up sometimes I think.

I'm moving Friday. I'm so so so ready to be out of Cedarville...I think I was ready my Freshman year to be out of Cedarville. (sorry if anyone who reads this actually cares about Cedarville). My favorite question. "So, if you're staying in Ohio, you must really like it huh?" The answer? No. Columbus..yes. I can't wait for Columbus. But Cedarville, however, I don't like. I'm so ready to be out of this gross apartment and ready to go to my beautiful one. I'm so ready to be out of this tiny town where strange things happen constantly. I'm so ready to be around my friends and to start my job. So excited.

I was using my StumbleUpon button tonight. it really is such a time waster for me...But I love the thrill of "what site will it bring up?" I love it. It brought me to a picture of Ireland. I started at it. it made me miss it so much that it hurt. I really want nothing more than to be there. I would give anything...seriously...anything to be over there. I love it so much. I felt such a connection there and really wish I could be there on a permanent basis. They just take their time there. They don't sit around, arguing about politics all day long. They live. They do what matters to them. They love. They love things and they do what they love. I miss it so very much. I will go back someday. I don't know when, but I will go back. Shouldn't we be where we love? It sounds oh so amazing.

I could make excuses about how random the post is....I can't blame it on alcohol...Not enough to drink ...Can't blame it on the time, cause I'm not even tired. Blame it on emotion. All the random little ones brought together.

Anyways. I didn't promise anything spectacular. Sorry if I let you down.

out.