It's a constant lesson I feel like I learn all the time. Trust. That word. It holds so much depth. It means so much of letting go. It means I need to let go and let someone else take control. I struggle. I sin. I error. I make the same mistake over and over again. I was talking to my friend the other night and told her why I struggle with such trust issues. I let myself completely trust in someone and he hurt me. Bad. Not just breaking my heart bad. It was never like that. It's not a story of love gone wrong or anything. That was never the case. Love was never involved. It definitely wasn't portrayed. I was hurt. I was broken. I was shaken to the very core of wondering why I existed. I made mistakes. I was hurt. I never spoke up. I lost my trust.
It took so long for me to completely trust in anyone ever again. I thought the same thing would happen. Which it did. Almost the same situation. I let myself trust and again, I was taken advantage of. I felt like I couldn't recover. Then a dear friend of mine helped me dig and learn to trust and start new. I still have problems. I still struggle. I still want to take control and do things on my own. But that's not how God intended.
I always hated the trite expression, "Just trust in God" or the even more dreaded one, "God has a plan in all this. You just can't see it yet." We do have things to work out. We have to get our hands dirty. But He is in control. We might suffer or struggle. But He will work something out. Something that might be even better than we thought. That is my God. That is who I am learning to trust in. He is in control. He is taking care of me and watching out for me. He's not going to let me waste my life. He will provide and He will see me through. That is incredible. I am one tiny person! One insignificant person out of the hundreds of millions of people and He is choosing to take care of me! Me! Who screws up so many times! Me! He chose me! He loves me! I think that is so incredible.
He is indescribable. No amount of words will do Him justice. He surpasses anything and everything that I can say in a lifetime. He is MY God. He is MY Father. He is taking care of me.
I'm sorry. Sorry for my lack of trust. For my lack of faith. For my insecurities. For my failures. For my incompletes. I am grateful. Grateful for the new day. For the amazing opportunities. For the dreams come true. For life. For living. For everything I am. For everything I'm supposed to be. I am hopeful. Hopeful for new things. For change. For peace. For love. For secure moments. For laughter. For life.
This is me. Open and blank. I am a canvas, waiting to be painted. I am empty book, waiting to be written in. I am empty vessel, waiting to be filled. Filled with His glory. His wonder. His love. His wisdom. Waiting to be used for Him. This is me. Broken and ready. Humble and changed. Ready to live a life worthy of Him. This is me. I'm ready.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
It's so fortunate that WE don't have to be awesome or have it all together for God to work through us..we just have to be willing. Sometimes it's hard waiting for God to act, but you just have to remember the times he has shown up (and it couldn't have been anyone but him) and know that he is involved in every aspect of your life, whether he's making himself known or not.
Post a Comment